lifestyle musings of a literary clown
A 9 step guide on how to throw the best birthday bash: Covid edition
The backstory:
Historically, I’m not great when it comes to throwing my birthday party. Perhaps this will surprise you, being that I have been a children’s birthday entertainer and a clown for many years now. But the truth is, planning one for myself use to fill me with social anxiety. Asking people to celebrate, you should come easy to someone like me, an Aries, Leo, Leo, but frankly, I used to find it rather frightening. However, over the last five years, I’ve gotten much better at throwing birthday parties for myself, mostly because I decided to have fun at the events. Goodbye social fears of being the gay kid at the birthday party with no friends; those old narratives serve me no more! I think I may have even overcompensated for my previous birthday party fears last year. In a genuinely decadent display of self-love, I decided to produce a club night, host a burlesque show, and throw a party in my home for my birthday. Three events on three different days to celebrate my 33 years on this earth.
Of course, COVID struck right before all of that, and I ended up canceling everything. Yet, I had already picked out a bunch of outfits I had wanted to wear on my birthday (I love a costume change), and not willing to let those go to waste; I ended up going live on Instagram and putting on a burlesque show with the HOUSE OF YES and a bunch of friends. While it was all good fun, surprisingly, it left me more depressed than anything else when it was all over. As I closed my phone, I just felt so alone and dissatisfied with the experience overall. Digital just doesn’t have that life-affirming energy you want at a birthday party. As I sat there in my living room, a plethora of discarded looks at my feet, I began to think. There must be a better way to birthday during a global pandemic? Thus I put together a nine-step guide on how to throw the best birthday bash: Covid Edition. Don’t worry, you can trust me on this, as I said I used to be a birthday professional.
Step one: Invite no one but yourself.
While this might seem counterintuitive, don’t worry. It’s a great way to ensure that everyone stays covid safe and that you didn’t just accidentally throw a super spreader event. Plus, 100% of the guest will show up, which seldom happens at a NYC party. You can brag about it later. Everyone will be jealous.
Step two: Wear your birthday suit.
It’s just you. Why bother with the eyeliner. Your body is beautiful; celebrate it.
Step three: Go on, treat yourself.
Just because your the only guest doesn’t mean you shouldn’t buy the birthday person something. Did somebody say ‘stimulus check?’ I took myself to Michales and bought a bunch of craft supplies. The best part no returns to worry about.
Step four: Bake your own birthday cake.
This year I will be making a chocolate Babka for my birthday. I became inspired to embrace baking while binging entire seasons of The Great British Bake Off early on in Covid. Since I will be myself, no one will know how much of it I eat in a single serving, and frankly, I’d like to keep it that way.
Step five: Find a game or activity you can play by yourself.
I’ve always loved that Leslie Gore song ‘It’s my party I’ll cry if I want to.’ This year, I will fully embrace the song’s energy and predict I’ll probably cry somewhere between 1-3 times. Usually, crying in the corner at your birthday party is a cause for concern. This year it’s an activity.
Step six: You’re the DJ.
I have admittedly terrible taste in music. This year, however, it’s all about pre-building the Spotify playlist of your dreams. If the birthday boy wants to listen to “Up” by Cardi B, 17 times on repeat, followed by the Little Shop of Horrors soundtrack, that’s his choice, and frankly, I think that would be flawless.
Step seven: Skip the song.
Since we’re on the subject of music, skip singing happy birthday to yourself. The song is terrible. As a replacement, let me suggest Frozen’s “Let It Go”; it’s cathartic.
Step eight: No need to hire entertainment; you’re the main attraction.
If you’re anything like me, you spent your childhood dancing on a bed, wearing one of your mother’s cocktail dresses, holding a hairbrush as a microphone. Nothing is stopping you from doing that again. This year, inspired by one of my favorite movies, I will be performing the diva dance from The Fifth Element. It will probably be my best work from the last year, but then again, that’s not saying much. The only role I have performed this year is one of a person who’s not on the verge of a breakdown. Let me tell you, the reviews are in, and the performance has been shaky at best.
Step nine: You’re hot; get luck with yourself.
There always comes that time on a birthday where you realize you are ready for birthday sex. This year, even though I’ve only got myself to hand, that’s okay, I’m going to get down with my bad self, and you can get down with yourself too. I’m going to make it super romantic. Light some candles, put on some Enya (I told you I have terrible taste in music), and feel myself. Birthdays are all about sex anyway, or you know the result of sex, so I think it’s important to centralize the sex aspect of the solo birthday experience.
The Result:
I promise if you follow this 9 step guide, you will undoubtedly have a memorable Birthday experience. Plus, perhaps you want to pull a ‘Shelton’ and throw multiple parties for yourself this year. Maybe you’re going to choose to do a Zoom event and a small in-person gathering outdoors. Even if you do, I highly recommend throwing the birthday party for one. After all, your birthday is your day, so make sure you spend some intentional time with yourself.
If you do throw a party for one, let me know how it goes. You can reach out to me @Shelton_Whimsy on Instagram/Twitter or hit me up on TikTok @Sheltonwhimsy.
Happy Birthday, Everyone. Now I’m off to begin baking that babka.